I sit with you in my heart

And so it seems I am a hospice worker

Something between us is dying

You are not here with me but I am grieving the loss all the same

This is my work to do, pre-emptively letting go

Letting go of how I wished things had been

Letting go of the "you" I wanted you to be

That was not fair of me and I am sorry that I had such trouble accepting you as you were

I love you mom

I thank you for what you gave me and also for what you failed to give

I am spinning it all into gold, becoming a powerful, creative soul

My therapist told me that my mom is lucky to have a son like me

I believed her and I smiled in my heart for two weeks at the thought and sentiment of it

You never became the mother that I thought I wanted

But you were exactly the mother that I needed in order to be the wonderful boy and great man that I am turning out to be

I did not say goodbye to you because as you always told me as a boy, "It's not goodbye", It's "see you later"

That felt like abandonment and bullshit at that time

And honestly, I feel like I have abandoned you now

Not out of revenge, those feelings have gone

It is a basic instinct, self-preservation

One day you will understand

My soul will embrace your soul

All will be well and good, having served our spiritual contracts

We shall be at peace